laurenhillory

It's sounding like I got a job at Nautilus as a csr for their call center. it would be perfect. It's like vancouver's version of at&t. So, I'm stoked. $11 an hour. My interview's tomorrow.
Cross your fingers.

Also, my mom's massage therapist's husband sells cars to dealerships. Which means, when I can buy a car, I can get a great car for a saweet price. Majorly stoked.

Things have been odd lately, though. It's just all so different. And I'm so confused. I want nothing and everything lately.

Last night was almost awkward and a half. A hope for home was going to stay at my house. Not my mom's house, but like my house in Bothell. With Brandon. It would be cool and all, but idk about Ian and Brandon hanging out right now. Ian wants something, I'm in love with Brandon. And I don't want to be with anyone. But I do at the same time... ugh. I just don't want to have any awkwardness. But what do you do. They didn't stay there. And it would've been horrible if I was there... which I wasn't.

Anywho...
I'm hoping to better myself in a lot of ways right now. Let's see how this goes.
Hmm. I have a lot to say. I'll write more later.

Today has been odd. I've felt distant. Just from the world in general. I don't know.
I haven't done much of anything.

I've talked a lot to Brandon and Ian today. That was nice.

I talked to Brandon for the first 2 times without him saying I love you since he first said it... that was weird. I understand that he wants to accept everything. I just still love him, of course... I'm so confused... I wish I could see him.

Ian makes me smile a lot. I love how much attention I got today. I needed it. I wish he was here. But I'm so happy for the exposure the band will get.

I'm really happy that me and Eriq are accountability partners. I'm enjoying reading the bible. And I want to have the greatest relationship with God that I can. I'm so excited to share His love with the world.

I didn't write yesterday. Last night was very odd for me. I fell asleep while I was supposed to be reading and woke up a million times. Lol.

So, I'll recap for yesterday. During the day, I submitted 3 homework assignments. I felt so accomplished. Really. It was nice. I also so April and Bonnie because Shawn is in the hospital from surgery on his kidneys. It was great to see them. I miss April soooo much. Then, last night, I went to LSM with Autumn. I love it. It's just another positive experience in my week. And they do such amazing things with so many children.

Now for today. I was quite lazy this morning. And spent a lot of my morning on myspace, which was really dumb. I listened to music for the most part, but still, I should've been reading the bible to catch up on what I fell asleep before.

Then, hannah had a singing/dancing performance at school. It was awesome. She is so cute and so were all the other kids. I love those things.

Then ian came over. I love being around him. I don't know what it is, but he makes me smile. He asked about my dad. That was weird to talk about, but I feel oddly comfortable with him. I think it's because he cares. I don't know.... but yeah, good night. Just watched beauty and the beast and talked.

Now, I'm going to go to sleep. When I wake up, I am reading a ton. I can't keep failing at this stuff.

God, you are working in my life in many ways. I'm so excited for every moment of it.

My mom said "God has huge plans for our family, I can just feel it." I feel it, too.

Goodnight.

This morning started great. It was bright and sunny and I was pumped for my interview. The whole way there I was praying for God to just let me give everything up to Him. I want it all in His hands. If I'm supposed to get a job, He'll give me the words to say. It was perfect. I was barely nervous. And I was all smiles.

The lady that interviewed me, Stacy, was super nice. We clicked, for sure. The job was exactly what I want right now. Perfect atmosphere, perfect job, perfect hours. And I seemed to fit exactly what she wanted, too. So, I'm keeping my fingers crossed, but still keeping an open mind to other things.

Although, my mom's microsoft office is a trial version, so I need to find a way to fix that so that I can do my homework. The whole purpose of me being down here right now.

The rest of my day was just spent applying for jobs. I'm very optimistic with the job front right now. I even got a gig as an extra today and another possible model lead.

We watched Josie and the pussycats. That movie makes me laugh. Lol.

And then bed time came. And Brandon called once he got off work... boy was that hard. I almost couldn't talk to him. My tummy hurts just thinking about it. But he was super understanding. And said he had even thought about it himself. So... it was better... but not... lol. I don't know. I feel like it was right. I cried. But I feel almost okay now. So, it obviously wasn't the worst thing in the world. I am afraid something's going to happen with Danielle, though... but I guess I'll find out... why worry. If it's going to happen, it's going to happen.

I read Collosians today. It was perfect. I want to show the faith and live life like they did. It was a great thing to read at this time in my life. And Eriq read it, too. We're going to be each others accountability partners. I'm excited. Our lives are going to get a lot better. I just know it.

Time to fall asleep with a smile on my face.

Today was great. I started off the day running errands with my mom. We went out to lunch (yakisoba! Mmhmm), went to best buy (we ran into shawn and he put in a referral for me!), went to the mall (I took my ring to get resized and my mom's building credit with morgan jewelers!). Pretty accomplishing.

I came home and got our internet up and running. It was great.

Although, the internet crapped out and then ian started talking to me. Horrible 10 minutes because we got confused on what reply's went to what and he thought I was mad at him and so he was all upset.

He broke up with his gf. Which is good for both of them, I think. Although, they're having a hard time with it.

And I hung out with Eriq! Yay. I missed that kid. Now we're talking like mad. It's awesome. We're both trying to figure life out, so it was a good talk. Definitely. I hope things go well with him and his decisions.

As for my decision, I've come to realize maybe being in a relationship isn't the best thing for me right now. I love brandon. With all my heart. But, I'm afraid we're going to lose eachother in all this transitioning. I don't want to risk that. But the thought of being without him... wow, that scares me. Makes me sick to my stomache. Even though, I won't be without him completely. It's just weird. I hope we can each grow and in time build the best relationship ever and spend eternity together. But if not, he's my best friend and always has the top spot in my heart. I love him so much.

Yesterday was Easter. Originally, when I started this journal, I wanted to write every night before I go to sleep. Well, that doesn't quite work when you don't go to sleep. Haha.

So... I woke up yesterday morning to the family excited about the Easter Bunny. We all got shorts, tank tops, flip flops and sun glasses (and tons of candy, of course). It's all soooo cute. My mom wants us to go get family pictures taken together.

Then, 10 am came and church started. It was incredible to sit there and watch a church service on FOX channel 12. The most popular station. I couldn't believe it. All I could do is sit there and think about how many people were watching. If it touched just one person's life, it's completely worth every bit of it.

Then, turkey dinner. Oh boy. It was delicious, but we were all so sick from candy we couldn't even eat. Lol.

Then, we all curled up and watched "what's eating gilbert grape." Great movie. I didn't get to see the end and I haven't seen it in years. :/ I fell asleep...

About 2 hours later, I woke up, got ready, and went to melissa's house. I can't believe she's actually gone. I'm so excited for how she will touch the hearts of the people in Japan. I'm going to miss her like crazy, though. We watched "august rush." Oh. My. Goodness. Amazing. I love it. Definitely one to buy. Then we talked about all kinds of music and exchanged some good bands and she burned me some cd's. I'm stoked.

Then, chad's house. We talked so much through texts yesterday, it was weird, but great. I love hearing from him. I love just having any and all of my friendships be in good standing. We watched "the big lebowsky" and "death to smoochy." Funny movies. It was good. We just layed there and laughed. I think we both needed it.

Now I'm home, got ready to run some errands, and I'm pumped for what today's going to bring. It's going to be good, I know it.

The best hug I have ever received was today, from my mom, standing in a pool of water.

Ask me a year ago and I wouldn't be sure this day would ever come. Hopeful that it would, definitely... but I still wasn't sure.

We went to Easter service tonight. My mom wanted to have us all get baptized together as a family. Autumn decided not to, we don't know why, but the rest of us did. It was fantastic. I couldn't stop smiling and my mom couldn't stop crying.

We just got done watching a movie called "stolen summer." It was great. It basically explained everything I believe in: have faith and truly be a good person and God won't turn you away. I had no idea the movie was even about that. Crazy.

God's moving me and my life in so many ways right now I wanted to start this journal to keep track of my "quest" to help God bring his kids home.

I can't wait for everything He has planned.